How can I get my husband to have sex with me?

I’m 35 and my husband is 38. We’ve been married since ‘92 but haven't had sex since ‘93. Let me say now that I am the reason for the dry spell. Sex was great and frequent our first year and we decided to have a child, but I lost all interest in sex after delivery. My doctor suspected hormones or whatever, but I refuse(d) to consider HRT, given the risks. I regret this now, but I said to my husband back then that I just didn't want sex anymore and that I expected him as my husband and as an honorable man to respect to my wishes by not pressuring me through attempts to talk about or initiate sex with me again. I followed this with how I expected him to remain committed, regardless, as a testament to his vows. I will never forget the look on his face; like a puppy that had just been scolded. I don't know what he was feeling or what was going through his mind in that moment. Usually very jovial, he just stood there frozen, said nothing, but looked to the floor for several minutes before leaving for work that day without so much as giving me a kiss on the way out. I felt this behavior to be incredibly infantile, but discovered it would be the norm if not the tip of the iceberg. Not only did he from that moment on stop giving me goodbye kisses, he stopped kissing me all together. Eventually all touching stopped. He stopped spooning with me in bed and if I tried with him, he would complain that his back hurt, and that position was uncomfortable. Whenever I kissed or touched him, he would tense up. He changed. He stopped joking around with me. He became very serious, just the facts, all business. This made me feel like the only reason he used to do all those other things in the beginning was just to try to have sex.





Jump to 2009, we're still married. He has honored my wishes; remained loyal, works hard for the family, helps with the housework without being asked. Lately, I’ve noticed how he has also grown more handsome over the years, staying lean and muscular, even kind of sexy with a hint of grey in his hair now. So why am I writing? Six months ago, I had a hysterectomy for chronic fibroid tumors. I don't know what is causing it but since then, I've been feeling incredibly sexually interested (understatement). This seems counter-intuitive based on what I know about anatomy and what my Ob said, but it's the truth. Losing my 15 year aversion, I’m starving for it today. I recently shared this unexpected side effect with my husband, even going so far as to suggest that we pickup up where we left off. I thought he would be elated or at least willing. He was not. To the contrary, he sternly stopped me mid-sentence by saying, “don’t even go there!” From what I’ve read in many forums this week, if a guy refuses to have sex, it’s because he is either gay or is impotent. After two weeks of wondering, last night, while we were in bed, I asked him which it was. He said “neither,” and pretended to fall asleep. This morning, I awoke to find a hand-written note from him that he left before going to work. Here are some excerpts: “It was difficult for me at first when you said you didn’t want to make love to me again. My body ached to be with you. How could I exist like that?” “I held out hope for the first few years that you would change your mind. I think another man may have left, but I wanted to prove to you that I was worthy of being your husband. I so desperately had to find the strength, a way to cope, to not let you down.” That sentence makes me cry every time I read it. He continued… “That, I found in myself. I redirected my counter-productive frustration to a constructive pattern of self-discipline. A reprogramming of sorts. I focused exclusively on my responsibilities as a husband, provider, father, neighbor, employee. I strived for excellence in those, but what freed me the most was learning in the absolute sense, to reject my sexuality, sensuality, and to a large degree all emotion. I no longer needed your touch. I killed that part of me off. I had become just as you had asked.” “Now you come to me asking me to throw all this away? It has been a way of life for over a decade. I don’t know if it’s possible for me to change, and quite frankly, I’m not sure I even want to at this point in our lives.” There was more, but you can get the gist. I don’t know what to think now. Is it possible he is being truthful? Is that even possible? I’ve never known him to lie. In the back of my mind, I keep wondering if he is making an excuse for the real reason. I weigh an additional 120 pounds more and am 15 years older than the last time we made love. Might this be part of it? What can I do to get my husband to have sex with me again?How can I get my husband to have sex with me?
Wow Lorri N. put it perfect, really don't know why he stayed around b/c of you he had to ';show no emotion'; and now after 15 yrs. you expect to get it back. Your weight may only have 1% of it, and now he is probably a emotional wreck you and no other woman will ever get back.How can I get my husband to have sex with me?
Bring another female into the equation to excite him.
handcuff him and get the whip out
Is this a joke?
First off how can you expect a man to stay loyal when you decide you don't want to have sex???? How inconsiderate and selfish can you be. Your lucky hes still around. Most wouldn't be. And as he said you all the sudden want it again so like a puppy dog he is supposed to obliges you? Y'all need counseling, join a gym and reconnect. And apologize to him. As i said your lucky to still have this man.
Yeah it sounds like he is being truthful. He is a great man for sticking around I don't know many that would have. The weight and age thing I don't think it has anything to do with it. Both of you have lived without sex for a very long time counseling I think would be a great idea. He obviously has a hard time talking about it. Best wishes
Oh wow! This is so sad....





First off I must say that cutting off the love completely was cruel. I understand having medical issues but leaving him in a marriage with no holding, kissing or touching is grounds for divorce. I'm not saying that sex is everything but not feeling love, attraction and tenderness from your partner is a good reason to leave. Luckily you've married an honorable man. You rejected him and he stayed with you.





I doubt the weight changes or the age has made any changes in his desire for you.





Don't bring up the issue of sex anymore. No more sit down talks. Instead start behaving like a woman who wants her man. Get dolled up, flirt, be sweet, compliment him and make him feel like a desirable man again. Don't talk about it...do it! With some luck he will see that you are again attracted to him and have changed. He won't open up to your advances til you show him that the new you will be there forever and he won't be hurt by opening himself to you.





Edit: Part of being married is fulfilling each other's needs. Friendship, security, sex, and being there for each other makes you a married couple. Leaving out any one of these important issues makes you roomates. I'm not trying to down you for having medical issues. I'm trying to get you to see things from his point of view. Not having a wife who is sexual with you makes you feel unloved just as having a husband who doesn't communicate or show interest in your emotions makes you feel unloved. I think having a sex life if only to show your husband that he was important to you would have been helpful. It's going to take awhile to undo all the years of what has become his way of life but keep trying. It won't happen over night, be patient the same way he has been with you.
As a male I think this is what your husband ';heard'; back then:





I am no longer aroused, I don't want you to even ';try'; to get me aroused, and I do not love you enough to even make the effort to sexually please you a couple times a week with my hand or my mouth. So I am killing that part of our marriage because I am totally focused on me and my needs.





Your ';friend'; is not a decent human being. She says your man is ';passive aggressive';. No he was hurt by your lack of concern for HIS needs. Do you honestly not realize how awful and unloving it is to tell a MAN that you will not pleasure him anymore sexually. There is no worse thing you can do to a husband.





It is not ';cruel'; to get a man worked up, if you use your hands or mouth to get him over the finish line - this is what Lori N. was suggesting. If you had offered that as a compromise your man would still love you, and would not want to pleasure you.





Of the thousands and thousands of posts I have read over the years, maybe 10,000+ yours is the most self centered and hard to understand. If he forgives you he is a saint. The fact that he has stayed with you is an amazing testament to his commitment. If I were him, when your son leaves the house I would leave with him.
you have the most wonderful husband, i know you know it. i totally believe him, you know what is going to work a sex therapy i believe in my heart that god is going to bless him and you into a fruitful marriage.
What a b*tch!





You have failed as a person... and at life...





If you didn't already know that your husband was going to feel that way, then I can't even begin to explain just how retarded you truelly are madam...





There is no hope for you... All I can ask is that your husband finds a better woman than you, and that you go walking around the next 20 years horny as Hell but not able to do anything about it...
Wow, my heart breaks for your husband! How come, back 15 years ago you were so selfish - your a grown woman not a child - you knew he had needs and desires - why could you not have forced yourself to give him some kind of pleasure at least once a week - couldn't you have watched movies with him and helped bring him to climax with your hand or mouth, you don't need a vagina to satisfy a man, bought him a sex toy or 2, helped him in someway to fill his needs... there is an old proverb you should be familiar with, YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW... So now you expect him, after 15 years of denying himself physical love and gratification to jump in your bed because you request it... sorry much as I'd like to offer you some help, give your productive advise I can't... your a sad sorry mess of a woman, get on your hands and knees and beg his forgiveness... and possibly he would let you stay there to service him... but if I was him I would watch you beg and grovel then pack my bags and go find a woman with a heart...
Thats actually quite interesting. What kind of guy would try to kill off his sexual side? If he really did, thats saying something about his love for you.





Perhaps you should try to start your physical relationship over. Meaning, just start to kiss him first. Then move your way upward as you did when you were dating.


If all else fails, there is probably some kind of therapy.
OK so I am kind of in the same position that your husband was in a long time ago. My wife did not want to have sex after our second child, and she is still cold to the idea. But we have been picking up the snuggling in bed lately and I have been feeling like things are going to come around soon. You point out that your husband is looking more muscular/handsome right now. Would he say the same about you? Because if you can get yourself looking slimmer/sexier then maybe that will help. My wife has gotten into great shape recently and it is only making me want to have sex with her more. I know that thought process gets a lot of flack from women but the typical way things are is that men care more about their wife's looks for arousal than vice versa. A 16 year layoff is quite uncommon and perhaps he longs for how you looked 16 years ago since that is the last time anything happened ... typically it is easier to allow your body to change as it is a gradual change from the guy's perspective.
You shut a part of your husband down that is very important to most human beings. You literally forced him to be exactly what he is today... everything but a lover to you. And now you're wondering how to change him again? It may take you just as many years to get back what you demanded he get rid of. He's more loyal, noble and patient than any man I know!


As they always say.... be careful what you ask for, you just may get it.


I don't know what the answer is for you. It will take plenty of discussions as well as forgiveness. Start working on what you have done. It's really your job to fix this mess, not his. It's sad that it has come to this. No matter what his reason is, he has every right to deny you at this point. I'm wondering if you will be as loyal, noble and patient as he has been with you for the last decade.