Monday, August 16, 2010

Should I leave my husband?

I have been married for 5 years and with my husband 10. I was 15 when we got together. Ever since we have had the children all we do is fight and argue. Despite being to 8 months worth of marriage counselling we still can not get through our problems and every night is a fight. It takes so much energy especially because we try not to do it in front of the children. We are so different we want different things in life and it feels like he is holding me back from achieving my goals. He became very critical when I decided to take a part time job and has even accused me of having an affair. Which I would never do no matter how dismal things are between us. I feel sick in the stomach to think about enduring another year of this. He is not a bad man and he treats me well we just can not agree on anything. I've stopped doing everything his way and have got a job. This had made things worse. He tells me he's happy for me yet spends a great deal of time running what I do down and making me feel insignificant. I want to leave him but I am worried about what it would do to my children. We have talked about this on various occasions and there doesn't seem to be a solution. My question is. Is it ok to leave a marriage if your not being abused? Or would the right thing be to stay no matter how un happy I am? Will I regret staying in a miserable marriage in 10 years if I don't leave now or should I stick it out and hope that I somehow fall in love with him again. What is your divorce experience?Should I leave my husband?
Yes you should, if you're always at each other's throats. It's better to be healthy alone than sick with somebody else. A relationship is a beautiful thing with a shelf life like any other. When you reach that expiry date, measured not by time but by the replacement of mutual passion and love and idyllic balance and excitement with tension and tedium and unequal obsession in one partner than the other, as well as constant repetition of the same fights for the same reasons because there's no self-control, then any efforts to further the relationship or ';make it last'; are made at your expense and serve only to postpone the inevitable for superficial or silly rather than really romantic reasons. Now how long can you postpone the inevitable? Pretty much forever. It could be ten more years like you said, or until he's dead, or until he walks out first, or until you're old and wrinkled, or forever. When it's over it's time to end it, and only people who are strong against love they see is toxic and damaging--or people who are no longer in love--can end it, with difficulty and ease respectively.





Life should be about adventure. An adventure is limited by passion. Ten years on, this adventure is over. Recognize that and end it. None of us has all the time in the world and your time can be put to better use. As you had passion for your husband, so will you strike new passion for other things.





And yes, this marriage is abusive. I don't think you're the one going around sparking all the fights for the pleasure of a spectacle. Some men, routine men, especially as they grow used to a marriage, become obsessive-compulsive. They follow their wives to the laundry chute and yell that they're separating the clothes wrong. They unload the dishwasher to rearrange the tableware. They're easily irritated and will get into a screaming match over two dollars. Reference this question


http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/ind鈥?/a>


or better yet, this one


http://www.twincities.com/ci_13412848


I think your situation is pretty similar.





It doesn't mean your husband's been cheating or that he doesn't love you though. In fact, that's just the problem, he's obsessed and abusive and he wants you to do everything the way he sees it should be done. He has a need to control. Isn't that a pretty accurate description of the status quo? You said when you got a part time job he went berserk and accused you of having an affair. If that's not a ';whoa'; sign right there I don't know what is. You also said he is holding you back from achieving your goals. It's wonderful that as a wife and mother you still have goals of individual and personal ambition that you still feel the need to pursue. But how are you going to get anything done if you can't even get a part time job without your husband screaming infidelity?





In short, love should offer freedom. Your husband is like a 50 pound leg iron. He's a liability. He needs and needs and needs. I don't think he's ever going to help you get to where you want to go. And every time you talk to him, it will be like asking for permission.





I know YOU aren't the one sparking up the fights or acting like a control freak because you're the one thinking of leaving and that thought would never cross his mind in a million years. He probably thinks your problems, despite all his behavior, are just what every marriage is about and he sees it still going strong in 10 or 20 years. =]Should I leave my husband?
Think very hard before you leave. talk to your husband. tell him exactly how u feel and that u are considering a trial separation to see how that works out
Your husband doesn't like losing control of you and the marriage. That's why getting a job made the situation worse. You are becoming more independent and making your own decisions, which is exactly what you should be doing.





Children aren't stupid. Even if you don't fight in front of them, they know there is something wrong and the two of you aren't happy. The problem is, your husband doesn't want a wife who's his equal or who's goals will leave him behind. This is why he puts down all your efforts to improve yourself and try to convince you that what you're doing is a waste of time. Your husband is old fashion. He wants a wife who is a stay at home mom and depends on him to take care of her and make all the decisions. Money is power and this is how a working man, controls his stay at home wife and gets things his way. Your husband is losing his power over the marriage and that's why the two of you are fighting so much.





I'm sorry to say this, but after 8 months of counseling and the two of you are still fighting? I don't see this marriage getting any better. You shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life fighting with this man. In the long run, your children will be happier, if they know their parents are happy and not fighting all the time. The younger your children are when you get a divorce, the easier it will be for them to adjust to their parents being divorced. I wouldn't waste any more years of your life in a marriage that will never make you happy.
Yes, leave him. If all you ever do is argue then it's best to get out. Not only for your sake but the kids' sake as well. You will be a better mother to them if you aren't angry all the time. Also, there is different forms of abuse: mental/emotional %26amp; physical. If he is making you feel insignificant then that is a form of mental abuse and you should get out! I have been divorced (have no children though) plus I have been raised by divorced parents..It was so much better for my mom and I after she and my dad divorced. Again, I would leave. He is doing you a huge injustice by accusing you of having an affair when you aren't. And he should help you achieve your goals instead of hindering you from them.
Fortunately, I have not been divorced. But I am married and do have little kids, and have left my husband due to some serious issues only he could fix. (he did choose to fix all that after I took all his money and drove 2700 miles across the country) I can tell you, it's not better for you to stay ';for the kids';. They don't deserve to hear arguing and anger all the time. They know when you are always upset. You are in charge of standing up for yourself and them. They can't.....so find your backbone. Show You, first of all, and your kids, that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If someone wants to treat you badly, you won't tolerate it. You deserve the best, and only you can make sure that happens.
first of all, im very sorry to hear about the situation your in.


to answer your question, yes, it is okay to leave your marriage, you can not go on living like the way you have been, and if anything your husband should be supportive of your job, not running you down.


we all have disagreements as a couple but eventually you work something out but you arent.


you will reget staying in a miserable marriage, marriage is meant to be happy.





you wrote that you and your husband want different things %26amp; that you feel sick to your stomach aout enduring another year of it* i take it you have been like this for awhile.





i would sit your kids down and tell them what is going on, and explain that you and your husband have tried to work things out but they are just not working out,


and file for divorce.
';yet spends a great deal of time running what I do down and making me feel insignificant'; ............which is called emotional/verbal abuse





';we just can not agree on anything'; ...........which is called irretrievable breakdown of marriage





';Will I regret staying in a miserable marriage in 10 years if I don't leave now or should I stick it out and hope that I somehow fall in love with him again.';............only you can decide, if you have tried counselling and it hasn't helped, the issues continue and you are unhappy.....you only have one life , this is not a practice run...........could you 'fall in love with him again' or would you put up with it and tolerate the issues?





';What is your divorce experience?'; believe me you really don't want to know, hell on earth emotionally, financially not my choice although I ended up divorcing him and despite loving him dearly and always will 10 years on I am financially and emotionally great despite what he did...........and him for all that he stole, forged he is up to his eyes in debt and will be for the rest of his life ( unless he wins the lottery) and now paying a very high personal price for what he did...however maybe that is karma!
Do you both ultimately want your marriage to last? If so, you need to seek another therapist. Don't just give up.


Marriage is work - ';for better or worse'; - remember? Try to stick it out. If it doesn't work out in the end, at least you will be able to say you honestly tried your hardest.


Look into solution-focused therapy (SFT). I know it sounds hokey but it has done wonders for my marriage. Your family deserves your best efforts.


Good luck!

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