I don't know what to do anymore! PLEASE help! Advice/comments?

OH MY GOODNESS!!! So, i've been taking all your guys' advice. And it's not working!





EARLIER POST:


So, in June I got married, and with the marraige, I gained a new step-daughter along with my husband. I absolutely love Adelia, but her mother is another story. She absolutely hates me; she constantly tells me what i'm doing wrong, picks Adelia up when it's not time yet (we get her weekends, fridays and every other wednesday) and she is incredibly rude whenever I pick adelia up or call her on the phone (ie; shutting the door in my face, ';accidently'; hanging up on me, etc) And recently, she told Adelia that I didn't care about her. Which pissed me off. I love Adelia to death; as far as i'm concerned, she is my daughter, just as my son is my son. Maybe she isn't by blood, but that makes no difference. I love her unconditionally, and it irks me what her mom is doing. HELP!





Update:


Okay, so i've been following the advice about my husbands' ex....and it's doing no good. Today, I went to pick Adelia up from her soccer practice, and on our way home, we stopped to get something for lunch. While we were eating, she said, ';Danielle, why can't I live with you and dad?'; And honestly, I didn't know how to answer. She hates going home; Lynsi (her mom) works a lot, and so Adelia's usually home alone when she's not with us. She's benn really sad lately; she doesn't sleep well, she always seems sad when I talk to her when she's at her moms, and she said that she hates going back to her moms. I don't know what to do...I love Adel with all my heart, but so does her mom. Even if Lynsi dislikes me, I will NOT go to court to take Adel away from her. Adel just keeps saying she is tired of going back to moms house. Advice?!





Please! Adelias with us for 2 weeks while her mom is on vacation with one of her boyfriends. Last night, I woke up to her screaming. My husband and I ran into her room, and she was crying hysterically. She wouln't tell us what her nightmare was about, but we layed with her for hours before she finally fell back asleep. Her dad said she has never acted like this. EVER. What could possibly be going on?! I don't know what to do anymore! PLEASE help! Advice/comments?
you really need to make sure that the moms new boyfriend isn't abusing her in any way....you should talk to her and make sure that she knows that she can tell you ANYTHING... she might be more inclined to tell you with out her dad around... sounds something is going on. make sure you sit down and talk to her alone about it.....there has to be something going on that you guys are un aware of. good luck.I don't know what to do anymore! PLEASE help! Advice/comments?
Work things out, forget emotion. Put your feelings aside, its about yourself and the kids
Her mother is the problem.
She sounds like a good kid but she is clearly distraught. Perhaps you can make an appointment for her with a psychologist that specializes in children and adolescents. This at least would give her a sounding board. You don't say how old she is. If she is old enough to have some say in her living arrangements I am surprised by your reluctance to pursue a custody order for her when she clearly does not want to stay at her mom's. This does not mean that they do not love each other but you said yourself that her mom is not there much of the time and that she is often alone. I am very much a child advocate and believe strongly that parents should be adult enough to do what is best for the child. Some parents are not able to do this of their own accord. In those cases, the courts can help.
I know you said you don't wanna go to court to take her away from her mom but if you love her like you say you do you have to do what is best for her. You said it yourself she wants to live with you and says she hated going home. There is something definetly going wrong in her life for her being 13 and waking up like that and for her to hate going to her mom's.
She is suffering from axiety issues, probably stemming from her unhappy living arrangements. I think your husband should talk with his ex about A) possibly getting their daughter into therapy and B) possibly renegotiating the visitation schedule based on the desires of their daughter. I think you should let the two of them handle it though - as much as you love your stepdaughter, her mother is threatened by you and you should therefore take a step back during these discussions.
This is not an easy thing I been though almost the same thing, This child is very unhappy with her mother, She is depressed Even if you went to court you would not be taking her from her mother, she could visit her this young lady needs love and it sounds as if she is not getting it at home, and for her to be 12 or 13 and having nightmare like that there is something very wrong with her and her dad and you need to investigate.It might be in the best interest of the child to live with her father and you, visit mom, I would also find out about her boyfriend????
how old is she?





ETA:


I agree that there is something going on. Some states allow a child to pick their custodial parent at a certain age (younger than 16). You might want to check into that.





13 is a very impressionable age. I am concerned that she is spending a bunch of time at home alone. Who knows what is going on or who she is talking to on the phone or online. Or where she is going and who with.





Maybe I am overprotective, but I am not comfortable with my 13 year old son staying home alone for any long amounts of time. There is just so much that could go wrong.





I also think the mom is intimidated by you to some degree. Maybe Adelia is always talking about how great you are or some of the fun things she gets to do when she is with you and her dad. That in turn would make her 'jealous' that you two get to be the FUN parent and she has to deal with all the day to day routine stuff and the discipline.





Somehow the 3 adults need to sit down and talk this out. Everybody's #1 concern is for that little girl. You are a part of her life now if the mom likes it or not.





Good luck!
Get the ex, and you, as -mature adults-, go to a specialist and discuss what is best for Adelia. When she is 16, she will be able to decide on what she thinks is best for her, but right now, something seems emotionally wrong with her, and you all need to go work it out for the sake of the poor child.
First, talk to her about any possible abuse.


Second, she is 13 and all 13 year olds would rather live somewhere else.


Third, Love her just as you do. With your entire heart so she always knows that she has a place that is full of love and happiness.


Fourth, Her mother is her mother. She obviously feels threatened by your relationship with her daughter. I understand this part. It is hard to watch another woman bond and be a family with your little girl. Just understand that this inmature action will probably not change. She is threatened. Forget trying to mend that relationship. Focus on the daughter.





Eventually, maybe she will ask her mom to come live with you, or you can take her back to court and let the girl tell the courts why she wants to live with you and her dad. Make sure she understands that she can't go back and forth whenever she gets mad or bored at one house. Don't let her play that game.


Really, just sit her down and tell her how much you love her and that she is always welcome at your home. Let her know that her mom also loves her, but probably feels like she is losing her and that is why she tells her things you don't really say.