Friday, August 20, 2010

Is this marriage really over or it there a chance?

My husband and I have been married for 6 years and this is a second marriage for both of us. We have been having major problems for the last 5 months or so though he will say it's been going on much longer. The problem is that I was the selfish one, dealing with problems and bipolar disorder. There were many times where I would seclude myslef from him and our 3 children. I would say mean and hurtful things to him to get my point across. I did a LOT of wrong. In the recent 5 months, I have given my all to change for the better and believe that I have made some great strides towards achieving this goal. I am a better mom now than I probably ever have been and spend a lot of time enjoying the company of my children. I have been kinder and most patient with him and have stopped the mean comments entirely.


He, on the other hand, goes back and forth about whether or not it is over. He told me it was a couple months ago but due to financial constraints, we were unable to physically seperate. He changed all his passwords on his computer and put a lock on his cell phone text messages. He started leaving for the night almost every night and was seeing another girl. Though he insisted that he never slept with her, I have my doubts because one of our kids saw him kiss this other girl. All we ever did was fight and he NEVER wanted to talk with me about how to fix the marriage.


A few days before Christmas, he suddenly changed. He started being decent to me again. When I asked him what was going on, he would only say ';don't look a gift horse in the mouth.'; He said that he wanted to see if we could get along first and then see what happens from there. He broke things off with the other girl (though she still texts him from time to time.) He still doesn't want to talk about trying to work together to fix it but insists that if it's going to work out, it will happen all on it's own. He says that the feelings he had toward me had gotten so negative that he doesn't know if they will ever get back to a place where he can love me again but when I can actually go a while without trying to talk about ';us';, they do improve slightly.


I still love him despite all this. I get angry from time to time and try to convince myself of ways that it would be better to just give up and be on my own. Those reasons never last any longer than the mad does though. When he is gone, I think I will be ok without him but as soon as he's around, I just want to fall back in his arms again and have everything be ok. Our oldest daughter, all of 10 and technically mine from my first marriage, has sat down with both of us to tell us that we aren't doing enough to keep the family together and that we promised her a family. He says all the time that he wants me to stop ';pushing'; for more than he is ready to give me but I find it really hard to do that when he's keeping so many secrets about what he is doing and where he is.


I want nothing more in the world than to fix this marriage and be happy together again. He was a wonderful man, everything I wanted on the laundry list after I got divorced. I spoiled it and I know he is afraid to open up to me again because he thinks I will do the same things I did to hurt him before. I have learned from my mistakes and am trying desperatly to be better, for me, the kids and for him. I'm so lost right now adn just don't know what to do. Please offer your advice.Is this marriage really over or it there a chance?
First of all, I commend you for your honesty. You were willing to put yourself out there and you know what you did wrong in the past. Not only that, but you're willing to learn from that. And the fact that he was seeing someone else is going to hurt you from time to time, but you just have to realize that he was pretty much over and done with the relationship at one point...but he's not now. I think he saw how hard you were working to change and appreciates that greatly. I think that shows that he still does love you...but he's right that he might not be able to get it back to the point that it was before. However, you can still work on it and have a great relationship with this man.





Because he was ready to leave once, you have to be prepared that he might be ready to leave again. Sometimes too much damage has been done and there is nothing you can possibly do to repair it. But it really sounds like he's willing and ready to try. I would take what your 10-year-old said to heart and do everything you can to make a safe and secure environment for your children. I know it's going to be rough, but it sounds like your family is very worth the effort.





Good luck to you all! :-)Is this marriage really over or it there a chance?
The thing is you can't do anything to change him. He will have to come around and without the willingness to go to a marriage counselor to work on things I don't see them ever getting any better.
Thats just too long to read, you might want to get help from somehwere other than yahoo.
it's over. move on
It is over.. I dont feel like reading it = ) Hope I helped... hehe
WELL YOU HAVE DONE ALOT OF THINGS TO HIM IN THE PAST AND YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO EARN HIS TRUST BACK. YOU CANT EXPECT HIM TO GO FROM HAVING A CRAZY WIFE TO COMPLETELY NORMAL ONE WITH EASE. HE IS PROBABLY WONDERING WHATS GOING ON WITH YOU WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU TO MAKE YOU CHANGE YOUR WAYS IF HE HAS BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT IT FOR SO LONG. ALL THIS SNEAKING AROUND HE IS DOING IS NOT RIGHT NO MATTER HOW YOU ARE TREATING HIM YOU ARE STILL MARRIED AND WAS NEVER LEGALLY SEPARATED, SO HE HAS NO RIGHT TO SNEAK AROUND UNLESS YOUR NOT TELLING US SOMETHING. YOU NEED TO GET HIM ALONE WITH NO KIDS AND TELL HIM THAT YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T ITS OVER NOW JUST LEAVE IT WILL NEVER WORK. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. YOU PROBABLY MIGHT WANT TO MENTION SOME COUNSELING FOR YOURSELF AND AS A COUPLE. OBVIOUSLY HE HAS SEEN YOU TRYING TO CHANGE OR HE WOULDN'T HAVE CAME AROUND TO HIS SENSES AND STARTED ACTING RIGHT. OTHER THAN THAT IM NOT SURE WHAT TO TELL YOU. I HOPE YOU CAN WORK THINGS OUT. GOOD LUCK!!!!!
The Bible says that love doesn't keep a scorecard. Check out 1st Corinthians 13.





You have to be willing to forgive each other and communicate for it to work. He stuck with you through the ';worse'; and it's a natural human reaction to strike back and try to hurt someone who has hurt you. Be patient, continue being kind, and see it through. You aren't going to lose anything by trying.
You did him wrong for a long time. He doesn't want to be vulnerable again just because u feel like treating him nice. If you are sincere with trying to work this out, continue to treat him like u want to be treated and he will see that u are truly trying to make this work. I believe he will be able to open up to u again. Dont worry about the other woman. He doesn't want her. He wants u and your family. Otherwise, he would have been gone. Sounds like u have a good man.... learn to appreciate him before u lose him. It didn't get bad overnight so its not going to get better overnight. Prayer helps. Good Luck.
dear lady


you ended your letter by( I have learned from my mistakes and am trying desperatly to be better, for me, the kids and for him) that would indicate you are still selfish and you are still putting yourself first. If you really want to save your marriage, stop being selfish


best of luck, and a happy new year


Ahmed Fairplay
First you need to think what is best for your children, they should be your top priority. You said that you promised your daughter a family. Do you think a family consists of a father that goes out every night? A family where your children see their father kissing other women? This is not any family I know. Marriage is for better or for worse, richer or poorer in sickness and in health. These all seem like situations that your marriage had come across. You said you were the selfish on dealing with your problems and your bipolar disorder, I think your husband was the selfish one, that you felt that you had to deal with that alone. Where was he, he should have been there helping you though it. Be proud of your self that you have changed, that you made strides to make your life and your children鈥檚 better. I know that some times love makes us do stupid things and that sometimes our hearts lead us instead of our heads, but if he turned to another women instead of turning to you to help you through what you needed, then I would turn him around again towards the door. You seem to have changed all on your own, continue with that strength and better YOUR life and your children鈥檚 lives. Good Luck in whatever you decided.
I hope you didn't tell him everything you just typed. I'm not a man but I'm pretty sure I just zoned out on that one. You need to seek a marriage counselor.
Well, he sounds like he wants to try again. If you want to give it a good try you will have to not talk about what he does not want to talk about. I am sure that you are curious but in a lot of cases people who have questions do not stop asking them and it can drive the other person crazy. If you really want it to work then keep doing what you are doing (since you have changed), give it some time and try not to live in the past and look to the future.
You both may benefit from some marriage counseling. This would allow both of you to address the problems in your realtionship, with an outside point of view. The thing is it takes two to make a relationship work and if he is not willing to put forth the effort, then splitting up will most likely be the end result.





Good luck.
hi there,you have been through alot and i am sure that took alot for you to share .i think you should really consider counseling,firstly for you,so you can be supported and be given the insight you need,if you heal yourself it will work out best for you,your children,everyone..only then would you be able to heal your marriage,but he has to want to as well,i would also suggest counseling for you both,


i recommend the online counselling service,http://www.onlinecounsellingservice.co.u鈥?/a>


the counsellor Faith would really be able to help you,she is kind and insightful,its affordable too,she is working with me at the moment and my marriage really is improving and as for me as a person,i am healing


http://www.onlinecounsellingservice.co.u鈥?/a>
My advice is to go into counseling to see if the relationship can be saved. I'm going to guess by saying that the other woman he was involved with dropped him, so now he's back. That's not a good enough reason.





Either the love is still there even if buried somewhere or it isn't. Work with a therapist to find the answer and deal with it.





Kissing the other woman would have ended it for me.
I read it and well you have a mental disorder and when you have your episodes you are not being selfish at all...you are just having an episode....that is if you ARE TRULY BIPOLAR...there is a difference between being bipolar and having mood swing.....A HUGE DIFFERENCE...so you might wanna talk to your psychiatrist because i am assuming you got diagnosed by one and get on medication and try to make it work. Otherwise if you keep having episodes then the marriage will fall apart.

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