Looking for thoughtful replies on how to deal with my husband's ';friendship'; with his EX?

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Looking for advise and thoughtful replies on how to deal with my husband's relationship/friendship with his EX?


I am going to try to be as unbiased here as possible, and tell my husband's side of this story to be fair and to ensure I get thoughtful, considered responses. But before I get all diplomatic and unbiased, I will preface this question and background with this simple fact. If his ex fell off the face of the planet tomorrow, never to be seen or heard from again I would be THRILLED. Honestly, I CANT STAND HER. Ok, triteness aside:





Here is the situation- and I'll thank every one of you who reads all the way through this in advance- About 7 years ago starting as friends -I developed a massive crush on him, and he developed one simeltanously on me. He was living with a woman at the time (and had been with her 6 years) and had been talking to me alot about how they were breaking up. He had alot to say about how she made him feel unimportant, the love had disappeared, etc. The chemistry was getting thick with us, but I wouldn't get physical with him until he really had pulled the plug with her. And within a few months he had. For the next several months we had a whirlwind love affair- we both fell head-over, yet he was struggling. She was a total wreck (and I understand that) and he was feeling massive quantity of guilt. He kept trying to be there for her- kept trying to be the one to comfort her. He didn't want to upset her further- I wasn't ';allowed'; to be anywhere she may be. At 1st I understood, In time it felt too wrong- I ended it with him. I hurt so deeply from loving a man so much who I didn't feel was capible of fully giving back.


I told him if I were to come back I needed 3 things from him: 1) His undivided attention and love, without guilt from the past affecting our present 2) I needed to be fully a part of his life- that meant meeting and being around his family and friends and 3) I wanted him to let go of his ';friendship'; with her- let her go completely, cut ties- I asked that he not contact me until he could give himeself to me fully, and if he couldn't, I respected that, but it hurt far too much to have ';casual'; contact or to just be friends.





It was 9 months until I heard from him- those were some of the most painful, and self discovering months in my life. I took time to cope with having felt true love, and coped with walking from it. eventually I dated again, met a few nice guys- but who didn't ';click'; and learned how to feel ok asking for what I needed.





And then I came home to a VM, 9 months later, saying ';If you are still available and want to talk, I am ready to make you my #1 priority';


We talked- He was willing to give completely on 1 and 2, but was up front in the beginning, and said that maintaining a friendship with her was important to him. He promised fidelity, he promised I would be the priority. But he did balk at giving away the relationship with the ex. I took the ';deal';


It has been 5.5 years now, and we were married a year and 1/2 ago. I trust him fully in terms of fidelityand his love for me. BUT here is the rub.





In these 5+ years, it has been 1 constant battle after another about her. She moved away- and EVERY time she comes back, he is her 1st call, she asks for airport pick-ups, she sends cute texts, she calls him sobbing when some other guy has broken up with her, she can not be in town- even for a handful of hours- without trying desprately to get on his calendar- to go for dinner, a beer, come see our home---


We go to battle over the boundaries- I feel that she disrespects ME and OUR relationship. I feel that she still, 5 years later is trying to wriggle between us (there was ALOT of this is the beginning), I feel that she is very very needy, and it is driving me INSANE that she reaches to him for comfort (and control to some level too I think).


I say all this to my husband, and it infuriates him that I am ';jelous'; and ';don't trust him'; ';don't trust his judgement'; ';can't understand his need of maintaining a casual friendship with a person who was important in his life';


Does he seek to include me in their ';beer dates,'; meetings, etc? Yes- but getting there was a battle too. its been about 2 years since she and I met and ';hung out'; the first time, and we have- with her planning to meet him- on several occasions now. I just Don't Like IT! I still feel like she is trying to push buttons- at parties, she will come pry herself in and stand between him and me- when she talks to him she'll thrust out her chest, and give him seductive eyes (did I mention she used to be a stripper?!) little games, that I notice clearly and he says I'm just being too sensitive.





Bottom line is, this friendship is important to him. He says she is simply a person he cares about and wants to stay in touch with. Whats wrong having a beer and catching up with an old friend when she is around?


I do not understand what she offers to his life, it angers me that Looking for thoughtful replies on how to deal with my husband's ';friendship'; with his EX?
That is the problem when you start out as the ';other woman';. The feelings for the ex have not ever been handled and he harboring guilty feelings for the ex because of what he did to her...hence him wanting to still have a friendly relationship with her.





Is that fair to you?.....No..... but it is not likely going to change unless she finally moves on. Allowing him to have a friendly relationship with her is not doing you or your relationship with him any favors. You will eventually have to put your foot down or your relationship will go sour.Looking for thoughtful replies on how to deal with my husband's ';friendship'; with his EX?
That is a tough 1! It seems like he's never really gotten over her. I'm sure he loves you, obviously! He married you but if I were you I would have a talk with his ex %26amp; tell her to back off! Just tell her how you feel. How would she like it? I could never share my husband, emotionally with another woman! You deserve to be his 1 %26amp; only! She needs to move on with her life. I wish you the best of luck!
i know that feeling and the fact you have to live with it and have that bitter taste in ur mouth while u smile like nothin is wrong, i feel your pain all to well. ! Ive asked the same thing to my bf why !!!!!! why why why why why ? if im the girl for him and the only one why does he need a friend who is a girl and that im not all that friendly with !


at least ur bf doesnt say well, babe you could become friends too, like go shopping or to lunch together ? he once did that said i was going to meet his sister only but it was the friend. and the worse part is she thought i wanted to get together and be chums but at least she paid for lunch !





ive honestly woke up from a deep sleep with anger and hurt feelings by the fact ive looked at him sleep and just think to myself is he the one ? if i said i dont like it and he still does it than is he the one ? but deep down inside his convictions are loyalty. which is nice , think about it this way like i had to do and still have to remind myself. he isnt a flake or a pushover . he stands his ground and stands up for his beliefs, what if he asked you to stop ? what if u had a friend and there gf didnt like you and got rid of ur friendship for no GOOD VALID reason. jealousy isnt a VALID reason a good one but not valid .





my best suggestion is be blunt with the friend let her know that it bothers you when she does little things , here is where it can go wrong and make ur hubby fight with u she ll feel that u were being rude or putting her down or makin gher feel trashy she is gonna try everything to be the victim so be re ady. I like this saying keep ur friends close and ur enemies closer,.





dont let her think she can get away with anything the next time she squezzes between u say excuse you and put ur arm around him... i hate this type of girl she never had the right guy but finds one in someone else bf and uses that to be close to ur guy . i tell them be indepentedent and get a life
She is NOT just an old friend! She is a woman who has some sort of designs on your man. If this man really loves and cherishes you, he would cut the ties, no matter how painful for him. She is his ex-lover, it is inappropriate for them to have anything more than a casual, talk to you every 6 months kind of relationship. The on-going friendship is going to kill your marriage if he doesn't pull his head out!





I suggest you make a list (when you are calm) of the things you see between him and her that are effecting the relationship between him and you. Sit and talk with him (again, when you are calm) and go through your list. If he's not willing to make some concessions, he's got more than just friend feelings towards her. Good luck!