What do you think defines or makes a good step-parent to a step-child? What is your experience or thoughts?

I'm 22 and my parents divorced when my brother and I were 10 to 12 years old.


My Dad remarried about 1 year after divorce. His partner also had a 16 year old daughter.





My Mum remarried about 2 years after the divorce. My step dad had three other children but all grown and living out of home.





Any way, I鈥檓 curious to know if you are a step parent or are a step child and how your experience has been and what you believe makes a good or bad step-parent? Or if you have any thoughts in general on this.





I like to think I have a good one and an evil one. My Step mum had some serious issues, I truly think she would have loved to see my brother and I fall of the face of the earth so she could have her own family with just her, her daughter and my dad, which is eventually what she got as We have cut all contact with our dad for what he did, and she made life hell for us, for allot of years... And he literally sat back and watched.


In saying that thought, we have a wonderful step dad who I believe is our father now. He did discipline us, but only when the argument involved him, he allowed us to have a relationship our mum and gave us every bit of his love and support when we needed it. We also like to think his kids are our brothers and sisters too because they handled the situation so well also.





I find it distressing when I read comments (especially from women) almost being jealous of their step children, not releasing they entered a relationship with children already included. I once heard this women say she had has to deal with a ';crappy situation'; because her husband had a 3 year old daughter.What do you think defines or makes a good step-parent to a step-child? What is your experience or thoughts?
I am answering from a mom's point of view. I have two children who were 12 and 5 when their dad and I got divorced. Fourteen months later, their dad remarried again. She had 4 daughters and their ages were 16 down to I think 10. My son being the only boy and the youngest. My daughter was the second in age between all the kids.





Their experience with the first step mom was not a good one. They did not feel included a lot of the time and picked on a lot because they were his kids. They got in trouble a lot for no reasons. Thus the did not like this step mother.





Their dad divorced her fourteen months after that. He met someone else and six months or so later he married her. She has three boys. They have also since had two kids together that are under 3. My daughter was at first thrilled with her second step mom. She had not had a girl yet and so they kinda bonded. My son on the other hand did not get too much inclusion in the family. They even asked their dad for alone time with just him and them and always got told no. Step mom thought that things that me and their dad decided should also include her...we have joint custody. She could not understand that she could not make those choices even if she said something about them.





All I ever asked for my kids to have in a step parent was someone who would accept the fact that they were there, needed to be somehow friends with them or mentors for them, that they gave them time and if they had children too to make them feel part of the whole family as if they were her own too. They have not had that yet.





I have never remarried. I am not saying I won't someday but for the time I am not. I have focused on my kids because they needed me. I am not sure I would want them to have another step parent. They have had two bad enough experiences that it might make them a little leary of the idea.








Virgina~~You got the way kids react to step parents. My kids got treated hard from the start. Their dad did not stand up for them when he needed too. I could not do anything because it was in his house. But I was always telling my kids I would listen to them and try to give them what advice I could like talking to their dad more about the problem. Is it so much that the dad and his kids spend an hour alone together to bond. I am sure that the step mom's they have had in past and present should understand that. Is it too much for the step parent to try to treat the kids like they were their own and be a mentor if the kids would be willing if the step parent is willing as well to try? I do have friends that are wonderful step mothers. They love their step kids as if they gave birth to them and in one case the step mom takes better care of the child than the mother does. But when you sit and watch your kids get treated like they do not count for much it hurts too. They did not ask for any of this to happen they are along for the ride. This is why I have had a hard time even considering giving them a step dad. I am afraid that he will not take to them and just want them out of sight out of mind. But the kids are the ones who suffer mostly. If I ever have step kids that are not grown and out of the house already, I will not expect them to like things at first and to try my patience. That is just the way it is...even if it is for a long while.What do you think defines or makes a good step-parent to a step-child? What is your experience or thoughts?
Okay here it is from a step mothers point of view. When I told my step-children to clean up their room, it was ';we don't have to, you are not our mom';. Well when I told the girls at the age of 6 year and 9 years, they would sleep in their own bed, not with their dad and I. That was a fight and I heard, we are going to break you and daddy up. To be a good step parent, you need the support of the parent. My husband believed every lie those children told him, and now after 9 years he is finally seeing through the lies. When a step parent has the children at their home, they need to be able to tell them to pick up their room, brush their hair, don't snack and to eat their meals without it being made out the step parent is doing something wrong. Without the parents saying, yes the step parent can do that, they will always be problems. The parents often don't want anyone else to tell their children what to do, my point is, it is my house also and I should be allowed some say so. Everyone in the house should be treated with the same rules and privileges.
it is all about respect on both sides. I have had my step mother now for 42 years and I am 42 years old. I never wanted to like her but she is a woman that I look to for answers and for support when needed. She has always given me respect and in return I have done the same. I love this woman with all my heart and soul. My mother passed away and she is now in the leading role. She will never replace my mother, nor would she ever try to because she respects and I respect her for this reason alone.