Was this the right thing to say to my husband to help our marriage? Why or why not?

Thanks to all that answer this but please answer the question based on the details provided here. I own my house and I worked for it and earned it with the sweat of my brow so I could buy it. I did not take it from anyone and am not trying to take my current husband to the cleaners. I am a bit overweight but I am not a fat blob and my husband's last gf before me was huenormous.I have many accomplishments so I am not dependent on my husband either(Post graduate degree, well paid full time job, have raised a straight A student whom everyone remarks is friendly and polite,except my husband's family on my own) and raised myself from the age of 17. I am in my 40s and I am trying to save my marriage because A.) I love the man B.) I am one of the few dinosaurs that actually believe marriage should be forever. That being said, my husband is a mama's boy and I married him despite that because,once again, I love him-so please no lectures on what I deserve or don't for marrying him. If you can't handle that please answer someone else. Don't be rude to me. You are kicking someone that's hurting. Here is the situation: he is retired and has no job. I work full time. That should give hubby at least 8hrs./day to spend with his mom and do whatever else and still have time for me. He didn't. He was coming home at 11 PM or later and hanging out at mom's and the ex-wife's house (no sexual issue there. She gave him none while married and that's what led to divorce). He wasn't even coming home for dinner half the time but going out to Taco Bell and Burger King or eating at the ex's. This was an issue with me and he left the house because I couldn't just ignore the fact that being married, I have no one to eat with, watch TV, talk about our days, do chores or even make love. I do all those, except love making of course, with my son but I did not get married to live as if I were single. My husband has been talking about getting back together but he hasn't moved back in. Instead he takes me out for Pizza(great for weight loss, when he is concerned about my weight, right?) at his suggestion then drops me off and leaves. We are going to counseling and he is thinking about living here with me part time until he gets '; used to married life'; and we can sell my house and buy one together: Below is what I said:





Forget the marriage agreement I had e-mailed you. Now that my head is a bit clearer,I can see you are still the person I fell in love with. I don't want to change that person and only drafted that agreement to show you what it is I think we need to make the relationship into a marriage. I dug deep into my mind and heart and what I need is for interference from others and seeking their approval and acceptance of our marriage to stop. Otherwise, we are going to go through this time and time again because in all marriages that are not dysfunctional, where people ignore each other until they go their separate ways, there is going to be conflict. It gets better with time and the beginning is rougher because that's when lives are merging, but no two people ever agree on everything all the time. If every time we disagree, you are going to go to others for advice, you are having a relationship with them not with me, and they will use what information you give them to scare you away from me and the relationship because for whatever reason they don't like me. I need you to stop seeking their advice and approval, stop listening to them and stick up for me. In the eyes of the law and of God we are married and are one flesh. Treat me accordingly and defend me as you would your testicles.





As far as the distance thing, I understand your psychiatrist said to clear your head. That's fair and after only one day I can see how much difference it makes. I just think anything longer than a couple of days is too long and if your mother,your friends, the house, and even me were intruding, you should have gone some place away from it all to have that time. You used money you didn't have for other things. This was a time when you should have used money on yourself to get your head on straight. The painting, etc. could have waited and I could have helped you paint for free instead of what you paid those guys to waste paint and ruin the floor. I just painted my door and it took one coat and 30 minutes with no spills. I did not even get paint on my clothes!! But anyway,separate houses will work temporarily, as long as we are being intimate not just meeting for pizza/whatever and parting in the driveway. I wanted to marry you and think I'd still want to be-though I am a little less sure than I was when I married you after all this. We need to make this a real marriage,not a piece of paper and that means we need to share drudgery as well as fun on a daily basis and there needs to be emotional and sexual intimacy.





Was that the right thing to say to my husband to help our marriage? Why or why not?Was this the right thing to say to my husband to help our marriage? Why or why not?
You actually said ';Treat me accordingly and defend me as you would your testicles.';?


Since he's a mama's boy he's not defending his own testicles.


If he wasn't a mama's boy you would have got slapped on the *** for saying that (or /something/).





Too much nagging about the paint.


What's done is done and cannot be undone.





Otherwise spot-on.





Two things missing are a clear deadline for how long you will tolerate the separation and what you expect from him in terms of how he spends his time should he decided to come home.





e.g.


I expect you home everyday around 6 pm.


I expect us to eat together most of the time and spend some time together nearly everyday.


I understand you want to do your own thing sometimes so let's agree on one or two nights a week we doing things with our friends - if that means you visit your mother and your ex so-be-it but not every evening instead of spending time with me.


If there are things you would like me to change let's talk about them I am willing to make changes for you as well.


If you want to stay married and that sounds more-or-less agreeable to you I would like you to be home by Friday.


If you're not moved back in by Friday then I don't know what I am going to do, but I am not willing to stay married living like this.Was this the right thing to say to my husband to help our marriage? Why or why not?
Slap on the *** != knock-out punch

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'in good and in bad times';,that's marriage for you.
Yes it was the right thing to say. However, despite what you say you feel about him it is not obvious he feels the same way about you. In fact, he seems to be taking you for a mug. Are you seriously saying he spends more time round at his ex girlfriend's house than with his wife?





Come on - think about what you have told us. You are clearly an intelligent woman. Be your own best friend here and do yourself a favour. Move on.
It didn't sound bad but I think he is too far gone. He has something else on his mind, whatever that might be. If he can not communicate with you now, then forget the future. Maybe he just likes to watch you struggle. I think he is resisting your control, or his perception of your control. You did not say how old he is, that would be helpful.
Long winded and bossy Hon. Men like things short and simple. I don't even think he may have made it past the first paragraph, but if he did he is more than likely highly annoyed. I would be, like I said bossy, nagging. Heck you start off by bossing us around. Not attractive and less likely to get any help with your attitude =(





Not sure what you had in that marriage agreement, but that house you treasure so much is half his now as well. Unless stated, agreed upon and signed by both. All I read in your email is me me me. Where is the you and what I can offer you?





Independence is a powerful and wonderful thing to have Hon, but like anything else too much of anything is not good. Slow down, ease up on all the demands.





Best of wishes
Catwoman, why do you want answers from us if you state the following:





';A.) I love the man B.) I am one of the few dinosaurs that actually believe marriage should be forever. That being said, my husband is a mama's boy and I married him despite that because,once again, I love him-so please no lectures on what I deserve or don't for marrying him. If you can't handle that please answer someone else. Don't be rude to me. You are kicking someone that's hurting.';





I'm in no position to judge you nor to be rude to you but do you understand that I simply can't agree with you, your husband or your marriage ? Do I make sense here ?
Sounds good to me if that where my husband i would tell him to grow the hell up he sounds like he is a total mama boy it doesn't sound like he really wants to be married or he would be home trying to make things work with you good luck I have a feeling you are going to need it
I think so, but I'd leave out the part about how you painted the door.





I wouldn't be surprised if he's feeling like less of a man, it sounds like you're taking care of everything leaving him with no direct responsibility.





Painting the house is something that a man should be able to do, if he can't then the last thing he wants is for his wife to do it, then tell him how much better she is at it than him.





Otherwise i think you're being very fair.