Very long, but I am DESPERATE for guidance with my lazy, controlling, unthoguthful ';husband'.?

Long story, but I will try to keep it short and simple. I am in dire straights. I love my husband, but not in that way. I love him as the father of my children, and as a unit in our family. I wish no harm to him at all. In fact, I wish him happiness. We have been together for 7 years, have a 6 year old daughter and a 3 year old son.





We get along fine as friends. He is my best friend. But here's what it boils down to- I do not trust him with anything besides not cheating on me. Here are just a few examples of things over the years that has worn down all of my trust and respect for him:





1. He didn't hold a job until 3 years ago. For the past year, he leaves work early constantly or only goes 1 or 2 days a week. Therefore, we have moved into his moms house and lost our first home that we bought.





2. Several times we have moved, and I have done it all. Packed everything, moved it, unpacked it.





3. I used to do everything for him, as a doting wife should. Cook his meals, make his plates, make him drinks, wash his dishes, pack his lunch, watch whatever he wanted on television, etc. To this I was continuously met with an ungrateful attitude. It won me no special treatment, no romance, no nothing. So I stopped doing it.





4. He always has something else going on that takes precedence over our family. For a while he was in bands, which he would have practice two or three times a week when we had a newborn baby. Now it's a motorcycle club.





5. When I was pregnant the first time, he went on vacation for three days with his friends, which would be no big deal, except I had no car, no money, and no phone. I had lost my job and couldn't get another one because I was soo pregnant, and he had NO job.





6. My father pushed me when I was holding our newborn and I almost dropped her. He said nothing, did nothing, and showed no emotion toward it at all.





7. He doesn't shower. I have even had our doctor pull me aside in the office and tell me that if my husband didn't shower, he would not see him anymore.





8. My son fell in the pool, and he just stood there.





9. I fell off a scooter right beside him, tried to reach out to him and he just laughed. Then tried to play it off like he didn't think I was really going to fall over.





10. He reads my diary.





11. The only thing I have ever really asked from him is the opportunity to go to school. I want to be a teacher really bad. There has been so many problems over this one. Once, he insisted I wake up before he goes to work and make sure I get all of my homework done so I don't have to spend any time away from the family. I took one class with a friend of mine, it was math, and I am horrible at math. So we would leave and hour or two before class to study together. That was met with nothing but conflict and guilt trip, and accusations of me cheating on him.





12. He gets his mother to buy him ANYTHING he wants. There are scores of things like paintball guns, cabinet building tools, etc. sitting around our house that he had never used or taken out of the box.





13. There are toys sitting around our house that our kids got 3 Christmases ago that are STILL in boxes because he won't put them together.





14. He will go behind my back to get money from his mom.





15. Up until a month ago, he would have friends over constantly. Invading my space and privacy. Last argument we had over it, I said ';Get these people out of here!'; and he said ';It's not your house.'; He constantly says things like this, and then later will say he doesn't mean it, he was just mad. It still wears on my self esteem and makes me feel terrible.





16. Last year, he told me he wasn't going to tell me anything having to do with the finances anymore. He didn't want me to know how much money he made or what he was doing with it. Since then, I have pretty much given up on it since we have had so many arguments like that.





I could go on and on with things like this, but these have been the really big ones to me.





When I got married, I took my vows very seriously, and I feel like he has done nothing but try to connive his way into whatever he wants. At this point, I am over it. I don't want to destroy my family, or break a vow I made to God, but I don't know what else to do. I have no love for him. I would stay anyway, but the thing is, the mere thought of having to be intimate with him literally makes me cringe and want to cry. Over the past couple of months, he has tried to make improvements and has come a long way. But I don't know if it's just too late.





What I am getting at, is even though he is trying to change is it wrong of me to just be fed up and want to leave? I don't think I could ever want to be with him physically again. So what should I do? If I leave I will be living in a two bedroom apartment with my kids struggling to make ends meet. (Even though the only reason we are not in that circumstance now is because of his mother paying for everything).





Am I heartlessVery long, but I am DESPERATE for guidance with my lazy, controlling, unthoguthful ';husband'.?
You know what would be better than living with this so-called ';husband';?





Living in a two bedroom apartment with my children struggling to make ends meet.





Do what is best for YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN.





This loser will only keep holding you back....in my opinion, his efforts are only temporary, because he is afraid of losing the good thing he has going.





Good luck to you my dear.....I almost NEVER advise women to ';leave'; but just reading this made me FURIOUS!Very long, but I am DESPERATE for guidance with my lazy, controlling, unthoguthful ';husband'.?
1. Why did you marry him in the first place?





2. Tell him to get his act together or else.
leave him.....if he really does love you, he will change......if not then you don't need him.
Wow you have gone through a lot with this man, from what I read he would drive me nuts and I most likely would have left a long time ago. I see why you are no longer in love with this guy, and I wouldn't want him to touch me either. Sometimes when people break you down so much and just go out of there way to cause problems this happens. You will be much happier without him.
He's lazy AND controlling? WOW.





BTW...you made Tolstoy look like he worked for Reader's Digest.
Men never change, which is why so many times women try to stick things out, thinking one day they will. Sounds like your in the pickle. His mom obviously spoiled him rotten (and stilldoes), he lacked a spine growing up and now it's too late to grow one. I agree that you should cut your losses and leave, I was a single parent- as hard as it is- all the struggles are your own and for the better, not because someone is dragging you down. I'm glad to hear someone is taking their vows so seriously- unfortunatley he isn't and it takes TWO to do this. Sounds like you need to stop asking and show him your not going to take that BS anymore. Good luck~~
What you are describing is not a marriage. You say he is your best friend. A good question might be if you were describing a friend who did these things would you continue the friendship? You are already struggling to make ends meet. You need to separate and give yourself a chance to find out if you are better off without him. You might find that as your stress decreases and your self esteem improves that you really are better off. Life is too short to stay with someone just because they are the father of your children. I once heard it said that it is better for children to come from a ';broken home'; that to live in one. Think about what his actions are doing to your children. They may be more affected than you think.