Step-mothers, do you ever get the ';You're not my mom'; from your step-children?

how do you respond? i am not divorced and neither is my husband, we have lost our first spouses due to death. we married two years ago and his boys and my boys all got along great, and i also fell in love with his boys, and he with my boys, and they all treated both of us with love and respect. we were like one big happy family. But lately, his oldest son, 14 years, has not been listening to me, nor has he been respectful. At our house it's not a ';i punish my kids, you punish your kids'; sort of thing, we've both legally adopted each others kids, and whoever is at home at the time is the disciplinarian. But when Troy said to me ';your not my mom, i don't have to listen to you';, it took me by surprise. he's always been sort of moody, and i realize he's going through his teenage years, and still grieving over his mother, but what can i do to re-build my relationship with him, back to where it was 2 years ago? thank you in advance for any advice, experience, or stories.





CarrieStep-mothers, do you ever get the ';You're not my mom'; from your step-children?
It's part of having children that you didn't birth. I had a similar problem with my 10 year old step daughter until i set her straight. First, you need to make it clear that as long as he is in your house he will go by your rules. period. And, try not to directly approach the 'you're not my mother' thing. Tell him that he is your son and you love him regardless of what he thinks of you.





This is an age old ploy. First, he is testing your authority. If it wasn't this comment then it would be something else. Also, teenagers will lash out at those they love because they are hurting themselves. 14 is a hard age and he is going through alot of changes right now. Try to be calm, tell him you love him no matter what and that he will obey the rules. After a while, he will see that you aren't rising to take the bait and stop.Step-mothers, do you ever get the ';You're not my mom'; from your step-children?
Something is on his mind and Id start with a hug. Take him to see his Mom (if possible) he may need to grieve. He may even want to tell you or talk to you about something but cant get it out, or afraid to open up to you. Ask... If any of the children say that to you again remember to say - '; I know I'm not your Mom, I can never be your Mom, I realize your Mom is very Special to you, and Now your Special to me.'; They don't know what to say with this and they think about how your not their to fight with them. Normally they don't say it again. But He's reaching out for help... Time for you to take his hand. Good Luck
My step-daughter only told me that one time that I can remember. She was about 10yrs old then, she's 12 now.


She acted like she was kidding so she wouldn't get in trouble but I think she kind of meant it deep down. It's really hard with teenagers in general %26amp; they most likely wouldn't listen %26amp; find some other excuse as to why they wouldn't have to, my brother told his own biological mother that she wasn't his mother anymore %26amp; f*** you. The combination of them being step-children %26amp; teenagers is hard. We have the same kind of policy here, my husband works most of the time so I do my fair share of discipining ';our'; daughter just like I do my biological one. She has gotten a lot better than from when I was first around her, back then if I would ask her to do something, she would flat out tell me,';No.'; She was very rude %26amp; disrespectful. She's learning that she has to listen to me %26amp; she's doing a good job for the most part but I think there's still some hidden resentment because she tries to play head games to see if she can get a rise out of me, she likes to tell me things about her mother %26amp; father in ';great'; detail, not little things, that would be no big deal, but she's really saying things I believe to try %26amp; hurt me. I do think it will probably get worse as she grows into a teenager, just in different ways. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice for you, I guess I can just empathize with you. In most cases that I've heard of, adult step-children get along great with there step-parents, but I don't think teenagers get along with anybody except their friends.
i love stories like yours. you sound so caring . like most kids it seems they haved to have a swored to come back on us. i know this hurts when he says that but just keep letting him know you love him anyway. no matter what. just be understanding and try talking to him its hard but just keep letting him know.he wants to blame it on someone because hes hurting. try talking to him and if you cant see that his father does. good luck.
well let me see,.......age 14 and getting rebellious...that's normal. I was a step-mom too, and my response to that was ';no I'm not your mom, but I still love you and take care of you and your going to act like you respect me even if you don't, now go to your room'; and as far as going back to the way it was two years ago..when he is grown with children of his own is about the time they realize what you have done for them.....sorry if this is not the answer you wanted to hear but hang in there it sounds like your doing a great job...
I feel like that sometimes with my 11 year old step daughter. sometimes she loves me to death and then sometimes she will get into these mood swings. But I really pay her no mind. She lives with me and my husband and we are her only support.


I think it is a teenage thing dont push the issue, but if it gets out of hand, then I think your family may need a sit down ';family meeting'; Just make sure he understands you are not trying to take his moms place, but I dont think she would want her son here acting out or being ugly.
I haven't yet but, I'm sure I will. Unfortunately it's harder for your side because your children's biological mom has passed on. He's 14, he will be moody, he'll talk back, he is going to test his boundaries as best he can.





Sit down with him and explain to him that you understand you are not his biological mother but, it hurt (Felt like a knife) when he said ';you are not my mother, I don't have to listen to you';. You love him regardless and that will not change. Sometimes a bit of guilt is what they need, he may be feeling some but it doesn't hurt to make him feel it more. Also, reaffirm that regardless of blood relations and whatever he so chooses to call you, you are still a member of the family, you are still in the guardian roll, and you are still a disciplinarian in the household and you expect him to respect that station just as he would his grandparents.





If all else fails, make sure you are speaking with his father and conveying your feelings. Perhaps you and your 'son' should go out and have a dinner, go for a walk afterwards and try to talk.