How can I win his trust back?

Its kinda long but want everyone to know the story so you can give me your best answer. I am married. Going threw a divorce. Been seperated for over a year almost to years. My husband has moved on as so did I. I met this wonderful man and we fell for each other and fell hard. He deployed for 8 month and I was here for him everyday when no one else was. When he came home from iraq it was awesome. It was amazing and it made us stronger then what we was before. I was 100% faithful to him while he was gone before he left and even when he came back. Even when we split. Me and my husband was talking threw email about the divorce papers. He had said he missed me. I told him at times I thought about him and missed him as well but I was happy now. Well we was talking a little and I even told my boyfriend about it. Never changed passwords and new he could check at any time. Never wanted to hide anything. Well he broke up with me and so stupid I went back to my husband. I was confussed hurt and acted without thinking. I was with my husband for a week and told him I was leaving that it wasnt working that I didnt love him the way I should. Me and my boyfriend was still broke up and I said I was sorry everyday. We finally got back together in December and then last week he broke up with me. He told me he thought he could trust me but he couldnt. I want to know how I can win that trust back. I never gave him a reason when we got back not to trust me. My divorce will be done this month and i think that had some to do with it. I even told him we should have waited until I was divorced. He agreed and I asked if we could talk about it after the divorce and he said no because he thinks this is best that he can never trust me again. He says he loves and misses me but just cant trust me and he says it will never work that he tried so hard to trust me. I want to know what I did wrong this time. I know I shouldnt have went back to my husbnd I know that and I have said sorry and tried to explain but it all comes down the the trust thing. I need to earn it back nad I am lost. I have never felt this way about anyone not even my husband and thats how I know its true because I did love my husband I did. can someone please give me advice. Only serious answers please. If you need to know anything else let me know. Sorry so long and thanks in advance.How can I win his trust back?
Hi there,





First, let me see if I got the facts right: you were faithful to your boyfriend all the while you were together. Then your boyfriend broke up with you. (I'd like to ask you why that was, was he maybe jealous of you keeping contact with your husband?) While you were broken up, you went back to your soon-to-be ex-husband for a week, then realized you made a mistake, and left him. Then you got back together with your boyfriend and then he broke up with you again because he says he cannot trust you anymore.





Well, if I got the facts right, then I have to ask you: why do you think you did anything wrong? Your boyfriend is very jealous and he feels that he cannot trust you, that is a fact. However, the fact that he feels this way does not necessarily mean that you gave him cause to be. And from your account, it seems to me that you gave him no cause. You were completely faithful to him the whole time the two of you were together. You did go back to your husband, but you were broken up at the time, and in fact it was your boyfriend who broke up with you. I'm sorry, but when two people break up, that means that they are no longer together, and they are free to see other people if they like. You had no obligation to your boyfriend not to see other men after he broke up with you, and he needs to realize that! Did he expect that he breaks up with you but you can never see any man after him in your life? You realized that you made a mistake by going back to your husband because you do not want to be with him anymore. It was a mistake because it is a decision that you regret. But it was not cheating, as you and your boyfriend were not together at the time. (I'm not even sure whether you think that it was cheating, only apart from this I incident do not see any reason why you would think that you did anything wrong...) You did not have any obligation to him, only to yourself to make good choices for yourself. I have to tell you that I think that you have nothing to apologize for, and your boyfriend has no reason to say that he cannot trust you, as you never gave him cause to think that you are not trustworthy.





Based on what you write, your boyfriend seems to me to be overly jealous without a cause. I'm sure that being deployed for 8 months did not help. However, while this makes his jealousy more understandable, it does not excuse it. It is obvious that you care deeply about him. I really hope you two can work this out. However, I really need to emphasize that if you did not give cause to him not to trust you, it is not you who has to earn back his trust. The solution is not for you to apologize and try to figure out what you did wrong. It is for your boyfriend to figure out why he is so unreasonably jealous and why he cannot trust a woman who loves him so much and who never gave him cause to doubt. (Also, he does not need to have your password so that he can trust you. It is innocent until proven guilty and not vice versa. If he needs to monitor your email to believe that you are not cheating on him, what is he doing in a relationship with you? Just out of curiousity: did he also give you his password so that you can check up on him?)





I based my advice on what you wrote above. Of course I was not there, but, again, based on what you write, I do not see any reason why he cannot trust you, except his own irrational jealousy. Of course you know the situation much better than I do. Please feel free to tell me if you think I got something wrong. But also please think about whether you really have given him any cause to doubt you. Again, I really hope you two can work it out.